Dating Advice

Nice Guy Is The Horny Guy
with Daniel Packard, Dating Expert & Coach


Dear Daniel,

I’m a flirty girl and boys like me. So that’s not the problem. The problem is I want a guy that wants me for more than just sex. So how do I avoid those men.

Sincerely,

Guarded In Real Life

Well GIRL, I don’t want to even answer this question because it wouldn’t really help you. Even if I had a magic boy love/lust decoder ring, it wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t help get you what you want, a guy that is into you for more than sex.

Why doesn’t it help? Because the guy that wants to have sex with you and the guy that wants you for more than just sex….IT’S THE SAME GUY!!!

Women in relationships understand this. The guy who empties your puke bucket when you’re sick, is the same guy that lifts up your skirt when you are making chocolate chip cookies.

It’s the same guy. It’s me. I have never cheated on a women, I don’t lie to women, I like to talk about my feelings, I know to listen to you and not solve your problems.

Men, repeat after me “I can see how you’d feel that way.” And the even more advanced “I see no possible solution to your problem, but I support you in whatever decision you make.”

I’ll dance with you at weddings, I’m funny (Not sunglasses on a dog funny, but funny) and I l-o-v-e to cuddle. I’m THAT guy. I’m Oprah’s wet dream.

But on a first date, if you let me, I will nail...you...to...the...WALL!!! Gorilla style, you feel me? And that sentence either excited you or repelled you. And for those that didn’t like it, remember, say it with me now... “It’s The Same Guy.”

I’ll slap your ass, but then bring you Aloe Vera cuz I don’t want your booty red. I’ll pull your hair, but then put a little piece of your hair in my journal and write about how much I love you. At night we will do it like we’re on the Discovery Channel, but in the morning, guess who gets an omelet? The princess does.

And not a cheap omelet. Sun-dried tomatoes, feta cheese, whatever my mom has lying around the house is yours.

Say it with me girls “Horny Guy and Nice Guy... Same Guy.”

And you know it’s the same guy. But you forget it sometimes. The reason you forget it, is because it is easier to forget it. See, when a man does something that makes you uncomfortable, it’s safer to just make him bad and think things like “Oh my god he was just looking for sex.” or “God why do you guys just have one thing on their mind?” That way, you can vilify him, make him the culprit, and you can justify removing yourself from him. If you stopped and remembered what you really knew you’d have to go “Well the guy just did something that makes me uncomfortable, but I don’t really know his intentions, so I guess I’ll have to take a risk and see what happens.” That’s doesn’t feel very safe and in control.

And that is what this is all about. Control. You’re more in control if you can bounce the guy. Problem is when you bounce the guy, you are potentially bouncing the guy you wanted to be with.

It’s like jealousy. It gets you the opposite of what you wanted.

Of course there are men that just want to sleep with you. But, barring extreme cases, you will almost never know who they are. Men are incredibly horny, pent up, occasionally desperate sexual creatures. You put on some tight clothes and make-up and even the best men in the world will strike when blood is thrown in the shark tank. But it doesn’t mean that is ALL they want.

When you go to a restaurant and you are really hungry, and the waitress asks if you want an appetizer. You are really hungry so you say “Yes.” Well the waitress doesn’t say “Is that all you are looking for? Can’t you appreciate that food is more than curly fries and shrimp dip? Are you so shallow that you don’t want vegetables?” No. It just means in this moment, you are pretty hungry and something quick and satisfying would really hit the spot. So even though men can sometimes appear sexually preoccupied, it doesn’t mean that is who they are all the time. You won’t be dating him and say “Hey want to go watch a movie?” And he’ll say “Sorry, no movies, just sex.” “Hey want to hang out and laugh with me?” “Nope. I hate laughing. Just sex.”

I know women like control and like to “know.” But you limit yourself when you think you know something you can’t possible know. I hear women sometimes say “He just wants to sleep with me.” No matter what you see, you don’t really know what he wants. You know why you don’t know? Because WE don’t know. Here is basically what many men do, on some level. We think “Look! Something shiny and vanilla scented is paying attention to me. I’ll play with it until it tells me to go away.” Sometimes we have sex with it, sometimes we fall in love with it. We don’t know. And if we don’t know, you don’t know. Sucks, but kind of freeing when you think of it.

Get out of your head, and in the moment. Not only is it fun and you learn more, but being in the moment is when you are likely to make the connection that will actually get horny guy to want to be more than horny guy.

The way to get a man to not just want to sleep with you is that he feels a connection with you, he wants to be around. And that connection is formed over time. Time you may not have if you are busy assuming, judging and running.

I certainly understand that women need a sense of control, but you have to make calculated risks. Because even at its best you can’t avoid risk. Even when you have done everything “right” life is unpredictable. You can be a perfect driver, follow all the rules, and still somebody can run a red light and take you out.

But even though we can be hurt in a car crash, we still get in that car every day, because a fearful life is crippling.

Dating is full of calculated risks. Nobody ever died from a guy not calling you back, but loneliness kills.

Ultimately it’s a choice you’ll have to make GIRL. Do you want to be safe, or do you want to find love? How does the saying go... “You have to kiss a lot of frogs.” Well you’re probably going to do more than kiss, and they will probably be more attractive than frogs, but the key word in that sentence is “a lot.” Connection is rare, and you have to experience a lot, before you find it.

If you sleep with a guy and he doesn’t call you back, worst case scenario is, you still got laid. And take it from somebody that had sex once, that is not a bad worst case scenario.

Good Luck Dating Better!

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