Patience My Lovelies
with Daniel Packard, Dating Expert & Coach
I wrote an earlier article that addressed how some women make their profiles asexual, because they think a sexier profile will, and I quote “make all the creepy guys come attack you.” And I showed whether your profile is flirty or not, sexy or not, ultimately basically 1 in 10 guys will write you an e-mail you find inappropriate.
But the fact that it’s even an issue... is the real issue. If you really care about connecting with people, you shouldn’t be letting petty inconveniences take away any energy from being open and warm and fun.
Now if it turns out that a guy saying something overly (according to you) sexual is clinical proof that he is a human being not worth getting to know, if it’s shown that guys that say “You’re hot, what are you doing tonight?” have been proven to be part of a secret psychotic society of video game playing women haters, then fine, stay away.
But I can tell you, there are lovely men (myself included), that say things that aren’t actually bad, but just trigger you. I know, shocking. When a man does something you don’t like, stop and really look at what he is doing wrong. Is it inherently wrong, or is it just not what you are looking for? I hear so often “Why the hell do 65 year olds message me?” I get it, no grandpa action for you. But why get angry, when you can take a second to realize, 65 year old men are still attracted to 25 year old women. Barbara Bush or Jessica Alba? Exactly.
I’m not saying like what they do, just don’t get worked up about it. Look at whether you are just having a reaction (not feeling as safe and special as the princess wants to be) or whether this guy is actually a druid from middle earth that carries a pitchfork and feasts on female flesh.
Some women think “Well if he mentions sex too quickly, then he is probably just trying to sleep with me.” You have no idea what he wants. We have no idea what we want. You have no idea what you want. Men just see something shiny and go for it until you tell us to go away. When I see a women I am attracted to, I don’t know whether I will flirt, f@#k, or fall in love with her.
Life and people cannot be predicted, so stop trying because in your attempt to keep out the “bad” guy, you are probably keeping out the guy you want to meet in the process.
I mean yes, some men are trying to sleep with you. But what women wouldn’t want to know she turns men on? Insecure ones maybe? Oh snap, no you didn’t. Yes he did. But he may want more than that. And you will never know because you dismissed an entire human because he said a few words you didn’t like.
Now I know it feels really good and justified to ignore a guy that pisses you off. But this has almost nothing to do with what the person is doing, just that their words make you feel threatened. And what do we do to threats (real or imagined)? We attack them. It’s easier to just go “Oh he is a one-dimensional penis wielder that has no business even talking to me.” And then guess what? You back him away and you feel safe, because the threat is gone. It’s scary to go “I have no real idea what this guy actually wants. I guess I’ll just have to live life, face my fears and see what happens.”
Most of the blame and judgment we put on people is just to make ourselves feel safe. Men do this too. Sometimes we see a pretty women that intimidates us and we say “She's a bitch.” We have no idea. No idea. But if she is a bitch, then what’s the point of walking up to her? And surprise we have a magical way of avoiding our fears, without admitting we’re afraid.
Our strong reactions to people, have little to do with the people, but is just us freaking out as we protect our delicate little feelings.
Simple fact is great men say things that aren’t always as graceful and suave as you’d like. I get it. But approaching women is not easy, and men are all hopped up on boob juice, and even good men falter. So have some compassion, some patience, some courage, and you’d be amazed at what you uncover.
Do an experiment. Next time a guy does something you don’t like, instead of just making a conclusion and bolting, write down your negative assumptions about him. Then continue talking with him, with the intent of finding out more. Almost every time the guy will drop the Chippendales act, and respond to your energy and try to connect with you too. Then check back and see if your assumptions about him were correct. Almost every time you’ll find this is a normal guy, struggling, just as you are, to connect.
The reason I am suggesting all this is because I see so many women get flustered and frustrated and negative with online dating, yet keeping yourself in a good, open, positive place will help you more than blocking out wrinkly guys ever could.
And believe it or not both men and women want love equally. I know, tough to believe when a guy writes “I want to be on you” he too longs for the big “L”. But it’s true, most of us want to feel that. I know I do. But we are all so busy judging, hiding, blaming, and pretending, that we don’t create a place for it to happen. If we can all be a bit more patient, show love instead of judgment when somebody is not giving us what we want... then we not only help them, but we help ourselves. That’s gotta be in the bible somewhere.
That’s a good bumper sticker actually. “Who Would Jesus Date?”
Good Luck Dating Better!
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