Online Dating Coach Evan Marc Katz Weighs In...
By Jane Mundy for DatingBetter.com
Online dating has been around for so long you'd probably think the entire single population navigates through online dating sites and finds potential partners with ease. But according to online dating consultant Evan Marc Katz
(author of I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating
and Why You're Still Single
), very few people—although they can easily spend 40 hours per week at work—spend enough time or money proactively, and that can prevent them from finding love.
However, not all singles are created equal. Katz says people who contact him—mainly smart, successful, highly motivated and 75 percent are women--are motivated enough to "reach out and carve some time in their world to make love a priority and invest in themselves."
So how do the majority of singles "reach out"? Mainly by joining online dating sites: Dating online is increasing for several reasons. First, the world has changed in way we work. "For instance, if you are 45 and divorced with 2 kids, you work with 4 girls in the office, your friends are married and you don't go to clubs and you have a computer, dating online is a question of necessity and timing," says Katz." I am shocked when people say they haven't tried online dating. When was the last time you picked up a guy in a coffee shop or a bank?
"We wait for love to happen but I believe you have to open the doors wide and let them in, otherwise they won't stop and knock…"
Although Katz says that he fell in love a few times online over the years, he met his wife at a party. There is a moral to this love story. "We both dated online around the same time, but because of our stringent search criteria, we would never have met online," Katz explains. My wife is older, with a different religion, different political beliefs and backgrounds. And she lived in an undesirable part of town–there are a thousand reasons why we wouldn't have connected online.
"So you have to be open, you can't construct the perfect person. People scroll through a list of criteria on some online dating sites and box themselves in. What if you just added another 3 inches shorter to your criteria—you just don't know," adds Katz.
Online Dating Sites: What to Look For
So how do you get motivated to get online, and how do you decide which site to sign up with? Is it better to join multiple sites?
Shopping around for an online dating site is like saying, "Which gym do I lose the most weight at?" says Katz. " Rather, if you have the discipline and you know how to use the equipment…people don't blame the gym, but they do blame the sites they joined when they don’t fall in love. You have to know how to use it. Online dating sites can be like Ikea furniture without directions."
Katz advises that if one site isn't working, you might have to diversify your portfolio. And really think about your profile before posting it online. "If you are marketing yourself well (i.e., know how to flirt), you could have a spectacular love life..."
Social Networking versus Online Dating Sites
Many people think that social networking sites are the next new trend in online dating. But Katz thinks these sites "are a bit of a crap shoot" and doesn't foresee them replacing dating sites anytime soon. "Profiles on social networking sites are not set up to market themselves either," he adds. "They are using these sites as a means by which people keep in touch with everyone they ever met, so the message is different from high school friend versus a potential spouse." In other words, social networking is a totally different mechanism.
Will I Ever Find the "ONE"?
According to an online poll, 75 percent of singles online want a relationship. " I think people have the perception based on their own rejection that everyone is a player," says Katz. " Say if you and I had a nice time going out a few times but you decided that I'm not the right guy, then I saw you online looking for other guys; I would assume that you just want to date a bunch of guys. The person who rejects you is looking for someone special…
"But everyone asks: will I ever find the one? Online dating is part of what I coach; the number of variables is astounding if you don’t have the right tools, you will likely struggle with the dating part [when you actually meet]."
Katz's job is to translate men for women and vice versa and to "shine a light on their blind spots" so they will find the 'one', thereby enabling and giving people the tools to connect.. " I am not a matchmaker but if I meet an amazing woman who has everything except the guy it is my job to help her," he points out.
One main question people ask is how many emails and phone calls should you make before meeting your potential partner. "My formula is the 2-2-2- rule," says Katz. "Two emails on the dating site, 2 emails off the site, 2 phone calls and then the first date. Generally men want to speed up the process and women usually want to slow down and want reassurance that they are going out with a decent guy. However, If she slows him down, she risks turning him off."
In the end, Katz believes you reap what you sow—you can't complain about blind dates—which is basically what online dating really is—without screening, and you have to do your homework.
Good Luck Dating Better!
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